Join us on a literary world trip!
Add this book to bookshelf
Grey
Write a new comment Default profile 50px
Grey
Subscribe to read the full book or read the first pages for free!
All characters reduced
Choose Your Own Misery: The Holidays - cover

We are sorry! The publisher (or author) gave us the instruction to take down this book from our catalog. But please don't worry, you still have more than 500,000 other books you can enjoy!

Choose Your Own Misery: The Holidays

Mike MacDonald, Jilly Gagnon

Publisher: Diversion Books

  • 1
  • 1
  • 1

Summary

“Bah! Humbug! An ideal choice for holiday haters and readers who enjoy David Sedaris’s hysterically funny take, Holidays on Ice” (Library Journal).   From two alumni of The Onion, this is part of the hilarious series “for former Choose Your Own Adventure fans and devotees of dark, dark humor” (Publishers Weekly).   This is the year you’re going to do it: you’re going to avoid Christmas completely!   . . . or you were, until your island getaway got washed out by a hurricane. Now you have to choose: should you spend the holiday with your shrewish sister and her Europhile husband, or endure your new girlfriend’s family for a week? Help chop down a tree even though it might throw out your back, or endure the icy judgment of a woman who thinks only children and pussies help bake cookies? Jet off to the glamorous slums of Kingston, Jamaica, or accept the offer of a ride from a man who never stops smiling . . . and is probably going to turn you into a skin suit?   From the writers who brought you the hilarious parody Choose Your Own Misery: The Office comes a second helping of misery with a festive twist. Christmas is full of fun surprises for kids, but for adults, it’s just an endless series of aggressive crowds, overwhelming credit card debt, and pretending to like the people you’re forced to spend it with.   Once you unwrap all the holiday misery hiding in these pages, the blackness of your heart will rival any lump of coal.   “I played this book thirty times and the happiest ending I got was one where I got to eat turkey with a badly burned hand. Seems about right. Hilarious every time.” —Ryan North, New York Times–bestselling author of Romeo And/Or Juliet  
Available since: 10/18/2016.
Print length: 362 pages.

Other books that might interest you

  • Cannibalism in the Cars - cover

    Cannibalism in the Cars

    Mark Twain

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0
    Mark Twain's brilliant tale of a train stuck on the prairie in a snowdrift, where the starving passengers resort to a daily ballot to select which fellow traveller will be sacrificed to provide the next meal. Will it be the succulent Mr. Harris of St. Louis, the juicy Mr. Messick of Colorado or the scraggy, tough Mr. Davis of Oregon? Twain's gentle gallows humour shines through the story and we find ourselves laughing out loud at the most grisly of details. Masterly!
    Show book
  • Truth: A Brief History of Total Bullsh*t - cover

    Truth: A Brief History of Total...

    Tom Phillips

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0
    This is a book about TRUTH—and all the ways we try to avoid it—from the bestselling author of Humans: A Brief History of How We F*cked It All Up.We live in a “post-truth” world, we’re told. But was there ever really a golden age of truth-telling? Or have people been lying, fibbing and just plain bullsh*tting since the beginning of time?Tom Phillips, editor of a leading independent fact-checking organization, deals with this question every day. In Truth, he tells the story of how we humans have spent history lying to each other—and ourselves—about everything from business to politics to plain old geography. Along the way, he chronicles the world’s oldest customer service complaint, the Great Moon Hoax of 1835 and the surprisingly dishonest career of Benjamin Franklin.Sharp, witty and with a clear-eyed view of humanity’s checkered past, Truth reveals why people lie—and how we can cut through the bullsh*t.
    Show book
  • Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes - A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology - cover

    Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes - A...

    Cory O'Brien

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0
    Get this: Cronus liked to eat babies.Narcissus probably should have just learned to masturbate.Odin got construction discounts with bestiality.Ganesh was the very definition of an unplanned pregnancy.And Abraham was totally cool about stabbing his kid in the face.All our lives, we've been fed watered-down versions of the classic myths. In reality, mythology is more screwed up than a schizophrenic shaman doing hits of unidentified . . . wait, it all makes sense now. In Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, Cory O'Brien, creator of Myths RETOLD!, sets the stories straight. These are rude, crude, totally sacred texts told the way they were meant to be told.Here are a few more gems to consider: Zeus once stuffed an unborn fetus inside his thigh to save its life after he exploded its mother by being too good in bed; the Egyptian universe was saved because Sekhmet got too hammered to keep murdering everyone; the Hindu universe is run by a married couple who only stop murdering in order to throw dance parties on the corpses of their enemies; the Norse goddess Freyja once consented to a four-dwarf gangbang in exchange; and there's more dysfunctional goodness where that came from.
    Show book
  • Sink or Swim - Catholicism in Sixties Britain through John Ryan's Cartoons - cover

    Sink or Swim - Catholicism in...

    Alan Harris, Isabel Ryan

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0
    The Sixties was an iconic decade, conjuring images of marked generational conflict and “sex, drugs and rock-n-roll”, but also of the Second Vatican Council (1962–5), the “permissive” legislation and Britain’s counter-culture, as well as the social transformations of the period encompassing ecumenism, the advent of the women’s movement and the beginning of the Troubles.
    
     
    Better known as the creator of the BBC television series Captain Pugwash, John Ryan (1921–2009), through his weekly illustrations in the Catholic Herald, offered a topical interrogation of the British Catholic Church’s sometimes adaptive, though often inflexible responses to the changes and challenges of the period. This collection of Ryan’s cartoons provides a personal portrait of the extraordinary ups and downs of religion in the Sixties—encompassing the machinations of popes and cardinals, the testimony of expert witnesses, runaway priests, radical reformists and lay protest movements.
    Show book
  • Should've Gone Tae Speavers Ref! - cover

    Should've Gone Tae Speavers Ref!

    Allan Morrison

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0
    The referee. You can't have a game without one. The most hated man (or woman) in football but you have to invite one to every game. Enjoy a laugh at the anti and wicked humour of Scottish referee Big Erchie, a powerhouse at five foot five, and a top grade referee who strikes fear into he hearts of managers and players alike as he stringently applies the laws of the game. But Big Erchie is burdened with a terrible secret… He's a Stirling Albion supporter. EXCERPT: A booking by Big Erchie is a painstaking ritual for both player and referee as he calmly and prosaically enters the name of the offender in his book with the care of a monk drawing an illustrated letter, while at the same time gutting and filleting the culprit in a voice reminiscent of an acetylene torch set on full heat. Alas, on occasion, a frustrating petulant demonstration of power causes him to show a red card when a yellow would probably have suffice. Deep in his bosom, Big Erchie is consumed by a loathing of simulation, especially diving in the box. 'Some of that lot should get an Oscar nomination thrown in with their red card,' he continually moans. His trademark waving of his arms accompanied by a snort and roll of the eye suggests that, for some players, bringing back the birch would not be inappropriate.
    Show book
  • Uganda Be Kidding Me - cover

    Uganda Be Kidding Me

    Chelsea Handler

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0
    Wherever Chelsea Handler travels, one thing is certain: she always ends up in the land of the ridiculous. Now, in this uproarious collection, she sneaks her sharp wit through airport security and delivers her most absurd and hilarious stories ever. On safari in Africa, it's anyone's guess as to what's more dangerous: the wildlife or Chelsea. But whether she's fumbling the seduction of a guide by not knowing where tigers live (Asia, duh) or wearing a bathrobe into the bush because her clothes stopped fitting seven margaritas ago, she's always game for the next misadventure. The situation gets down and dirty as she defiles a kayak in the Bahamas, and outright sweaty as she escapes from a German hospital on crutches. When things get truly scary, like finding herself stuck next to a passenger with bad breath, she knows she can rely on her family to make matters even worse. Thank goodness she has the devoted Chunk by her side-except for the time she loses him in Telluride. Complete with answers to the most frequently asked traveler's questions, hot travel trips, and travel etiquette, none of which should be believed, UGANDA BE KIDDING ME has Chelsea taking on the world, one laugh-out-loud incident at a time.
    Show book